Here I am again 🤦♀️. Blogging when I said I would start my book 🙄. Life is just a little bit crazy at the moment for us all and I felt I needed to release some of the words and feelings I am holding in.
I dont think anyone could have predicted what Spring 2020 would look like! The world is on some level of lockdown and the craziness of it all feels somewhat suffocating. For myself, a bereaved mother it heightens all the emotions Im feeling. Im not in a panic at all. This life of disinfecting, clinical cleanliness and avoidance of germs is one I know too well. One im really actually comfortable with. What it does do is remind me constantly of Raj. I find myself thinking oh well, If Raj was here this is how I would avoid this disease. An oncology mum faces this challenge daily. We have always been on alert. Watching out and noticing other peoples symptoms. Shutting the world away when there was even a tummy bug going around. My Dettol spray was never far away. My family were used to entering my home and being asked to disinfect their hands with antibacterial gel. I miss everything about life with Raj. Even the fear Raj’s weakened immune system bought me. 😔
Last month we saw #BeKind trending. This month we have seen how selfish people can be. We are all in this together and I really hope people help each other where ever they can over the next few weeks. The scenes of hoarding and lack of compassion for others have been hard to watch. I am worried,but not for me. For my parents and older family members. My mum recently had heart surgery and is seen as high risk. Like most mums, my mum is so so precious to me. I want to just hide her from all the dangers of this world. Just like I did Raj.
Life may get tough over the next few weeks. All I can say is all that matters is the fact we will all be with our families. I know kids can drive you crazy at times. I remember clearly the things Raj would do that would make me want to scream. He wasn’t lovingly known as ‘lil shit’ for no reason 😁. Honestly…truly you dont know how lucky you are. The situation is not ideal and the reason for this time together is not great but it is such a gift to be able to step away from the crazy speed of life and to just slow down and just spend time together. Even with all the worry….enjoy it. Every oncology family does and even though we have faced the worst of circumstances our often secluded times together have allowed us to make some of the best memories we have 😊.
Finally if you see someone working hard during these turbulent times, if nothing else give them a friendly smile. I am grateful for all the staff in shops and the NHS especially who are working so hard for us all. Be safe everyone. ❤
p.s It’s one month until Raj’s second anniversary. I have survived 699 days without my son. How, I dont know 😔🤷♀️. All I know is one day I will find my way back to him. 20th April. The date I wish away.