Congratulations mummy….wake up mummy. Congratulations mummy…wake up. I could hear this voice over and over as I struggled to open my eyes. Oh and I was shaking…felt like it was uncontrollable. Absolutely shivering away. I must have dosed off again as I woke up to being “heated” with what I can only describe as an air filled bubble blanket that was blowing warm air onto me. I felt so woozy and I am worried. Is the baby ok? “Baby is fine mummy…he is with daddy”. Phew. Three hours earlier the last thing I remember is being rushed into theatre and within minutes there were about 10 people in the room. I was told I was about to have a crash one c-section and I would need to be put under on general anaesthetic as it was going to be really quick. I saw hubby get ushered out of the room and I remember hearing the words ready to cut and the anaesthesist just telling me to breathe, breathe, breathe as I sucked in the gas. They had baby out within minutes apparently. I was so grateful. Waking up I was pretty dazed but so happy to see my husband and beautiful baby boy. My little blessing arrived on the 23rd November 2020 (exactly one month before Rajvir’s birthday). Rajvir had became a big brother to Jasraj Singh Sandhu 😁
As the general started wearing off, I couldn’t help but think about the numerous times I had taken Raj into surgery or for a MRI as he was put under. He would roll in, not a care in the world. He was ready to have the milky drink that would put him to sleep. I can’t tell you exactly but Raj must have had by my crudest of calculations over 70 doses of a general to be put to sleep. I mean there was surgeries, MRIs, radiation treatments, lumbar punctures, central lines, ports, picc lines…and so many other procedures. I felt so absolutely out of it. Made me appreciate even more what an absolute soldier Raj had been. I am so proud of the boy. I remember he used to love to sleep after having a GA and gosh if you tried waking him up he would be so mad. I used to use the ends of my hair to tickle his face 🙊. He used to wake up as I did this and wouldnt be so mad as he didnt think I had woken him up. I so get it now Raj, I wanted to be left to sleep too!
Being pregnant was alot of comparing things to the first time and this has continued. I try hard to not mould Jasraj into all things Raj was as I want him to have his own identity. At times this can be tough. There are some definite similarities there though. His happy nature is everything like Raj 😊. One of the things that was quite difficult to admit was that I was so scared. Still am. I did find myself panic for a moment. Why did I take on this HUGE responsibility again?! It felt uneasy for a moment. Then the love just takes over. Jasraj is amazing 😊❤. His smile brightens up my day. One of the things that does happen is pangs of guilt. I find myself stopping in my tracks and thinking I hope Raj doesn’t think I am replacing him because truly nothing ever could. Recently I was dancing around with Jasraj in the kitchen and I immediately had a flashback. I used to do this with Raj. Guilt….and I almost then need to say it out loud. “Jasraj, this is how I used to dance with your brother”. I still touch base with my bereavement counsellor and she says this is all normal. I still talk to Raj. I tell him I love him constantly and I tell him things I feel he needs to hear. Like, letting him know his baby brother will be sharing what was his bedroom. I know Raj would approve. The sadness comes from knowing what an amazing big brother he would have been in person. He would be so so proud. I can imagine him telling the world “this is my baby brother”. I know he would also sit and tell Jasraj all the things he was doing wrong 😆. I hear Raj’s voice “mum he is so cheeky”. He would have been so helpful too. That’s what I miss daily. Us being able to be a proper family. I know that void will always exist and Raj may not be here physically but mentally and emotionally he will go through life with us. Jasraj will know how amazing his big brother is. I can’t wait to fill him in on the funny times we had. I also can’t wait to shower my little monkey with love…it’s a new adventure and with my amazing husband by my side I am excited to be the best mum I can to both my boys. 💚💙