It’s days away from Raj’s birthday. The run up is always shit.
I’m currently lying on the cuddle sofa. It’s practically where the bed used to be where Raj died. This thought pops up in my head every so often. This is where Raj died. Sometimes I lay here just because I want to feel close to where Raj was. To just feel close to him somehow. 😞
Raj’s birthday is on the 23rd December and I’m sat thinking how he would look at 15 years old.
Today I sat and looked through my photos and saw this picture of a boy I met at a friends wedding in September. He looked so much like Raj. He was over in the UK from Canada with his family. I saw him over a few days at the wedding and it was surreal as it felt like Raj was walking around me. My husband got to know his family and he told them about Raj and they were really empathetic. On the wedding day I asked my husband to get a picture of him and he told the boy to walk over and take a picture with me. I was little thrown as I didnt think I would be in the picture with him but he stepped up and put his arm around me. It took everything inside me to hold it together because in that moment it felt like Raj….grown up Raj was there with his arm around me. 😭. I will always wonder what grown up Raj would look like.
I just needed to release some rubbish energy so I started this blog post. It’s going to be a short one as I don’t really have a lot to say at the moment. I’m just tired. I’m sad and I miss my boy. 💔
It’s Sunday and I don’t know why but Sundays are just shit for me. I always feel a little lost on Sundays. I have woken up this morning and had the pleasure of watching Transformers, Dark of the moon this morning though. Raj loved Transformers and watching something he loved helps me feel close to him. I miss being close to Raj. It feels like he has been gone for so long. At the same time, it feels like yesterday I just lost him. My mind can’t comprehend he has been gone for nearly 6 and a half years. My mind, however knows that in 1 and a 1/2 years it will be 8 year since Raj died. That is HUGE. That is something I can’t comprehend because that will mean after this point Raj has been gone longer than he was alive with me and I can’t accept that. It’s something that is on my mind alot and I just CAN’T accept it. It just feels like he will be even further away from me after this point somehow. I miss my boy so much. 😔
Time is moving fast. I am now 41 years old and earlier this year I had my own medical woes. After a small period of hearing a strange consistent whooshing sound, I found out I had a benign tumour in my ear. In May I had surgery to remove the tumour. I had gone private for this procedure and honestly the care was amazing. Going private however was not the easiest of processes. Why? I had to choose my own consultants! I had no idea which ENT to choose, or which endocrinologist I needed to see! Some doctors were completely private and some were both private and working for the NHS. I felt very uneasy choosing doctors who were not part of the NHS. It took a bit of researching and recommendations from others but I ended up with a very experienced ENT. He was very kind and what I would describe as best in class. It was a bit of an insight of what a privatised healthcare system would look like to me. Not what I would want. A high standard of care is what is needed, across the NHS. I chose to go private due to the speed I could be seen and treated but when it’s at its best the NHS is world class. Anyway, the reason I started this story still comes back to Raj. Part of the process of getting checked was the usual blood tests and I also had some nuclear CT scans. It was all a reminder of my days with Raj. I feel wildly comfortable in hospital environments. I feel safe. The sounds, the smells all seem to be wired into my brain now. The doctors I ran into all reminded me of how human they all are too. Amazing clever and exceptional doctors but still very much normal like us all. I came to learn from my doctors secretary that my doctor had lost his son only months before. It was something I bought up after my surgery. I said “I’m so sorry to learn that you lost your son recently”. He said thankyou. He said thankyou for bringing it up and mentioning it. I knew you had been told and thankyou for acknowledging it. As parents, that’s all we want sometimes. Acknowledge you know. Acknowledge you remember my child. He had also heard about Raj through his secretary and we talked a little about our losses.
Raj is always on my mind and I’m always keen to tell people I have 2 children. I hate online forms where I have to sometimes put down dependents. I hate not being able to acknowledge him. Being his mum has shaped me in every way possible. My anaesthetist in my surgery was also very kind. We spoke about Raj before my surgery also. When it was time to go under general anaesthetic for surgery I was lying there while they poked and prodded me getting needles in. She said “you are very calm Suki”. “The patient before you was very nervous”. I told her I have done this so many times with Raj before. I saw the care the teams put into keeping you safe and alive! I didn’t feel like I needed to be scared. Raj would walk down to surgery like a little soldier, ready to get the milky drink that puts him to asleep. He was my strength in that moment. Anyway tumour came out fine, so onwards we move.
As I mentioned, I am now 41 and coming into this ‘perimenopause era’. Lots of wild and weird symptoms…so much fun 🙄🙃. Emotionally feels like times are getting heavier. 2 years ago I lost my dad. I have some comfort in knowing Raj and my dad are together now. Although, I’m sure they are both annoying each other daily 😂. Looking after mum is a big responsibility too. She looked after us all these years and now we navigate a world of being the ones who are responsible for her wellbeing and somedays she doesn’t listen 😂. Maybe this is her payback for all the days I was out partying and being disruptive 😊.
Other than this, I continue to keep myself busy. Having a nearly 4 year old explains alot of that. I’m still a trustee at The Brain Tumour Charity and I’m so proud of the work the team are doing. It feels like the breakthroughs are going to come. The quality research being funded gives so much hope. I also joined the Angel Mums (a group of bereaved mums who lost a child to brain tumours) to help support The Tessa Jowel Foundation. Finally to help fill my days even more, I also started working with Oxford Cancer recently and am keen to make Raj’s experience count for future patients.
I just felt I needed to release some energy and write this morning. Thankyou for reading. I appreciate you. Until next time, Ciao 👋
Guess who, its me. Raj’s mum Suki. I knew I said I wouldn’t continue with this blog, but well here I am again. Have I written the book now? No. Have a started the book? Well yes maybe, bits of it it sure do exisit. I just don’t know why but I seem to have a huge block with it all. I have written about Raj loads but this book is like a mountain for me. Do I write full chronological chapters, is it like a story, or is it individual snippets of our life. I don’t know, and for some reason the thought of it muddles my brain up all kinds of ways. It’s also completely out of character for me as I tend to jump in and get going if I don’t like a job or project. I have always been of the mindset, get going and figure it out…..but nope. Not in this instance. Also I want the book finished. I want my cover. I want to see how it’s looks without doing all the work. I want It now. Mummy is damn impatient, I tell you 🤷♀️.Do any psychologists care to give me an insight into why I am being sooooo difficult here?
Visitng River Thames- Raj’s final resting place
Anyway so what’s new? Jasraj is 3. Naughty, cheeky and a smiler just like Raj. He knows Raj’s pictures. He knows he is his brother. Strangely sometimes he asks “where did Raj go”? Or points to Raj’s picture and says “I am Raj”.
Life is busy again. Busy is good but also bad when you don’t give yourself the time to medidiate and grieve. It’s coming up to Raj’s birthday next month. Subconciously it’s all I’m about. On the outside I am living life. It’s quite easy for people, including my husband to assume ‘I’m ok’. I am never ok. I work on it, but sometimes I don’t. I don’t communicate well enough what I need. Most of the time that is space. Alone. The pain comes out, at times I don’t want it to. Like on a night out after a few drinks, where I am trying to be out and having fun but on the inside there is deep sadness. One, two, three drinks in and there it is. Tears. Ugly crying Suki, apologising to her hubby, bestie and friends that life is just tough right now. I’m lucky. They all pick me up. Usually with offensive jokes and making me dance or something silly. I do know though, I need to communicate better. Tell family, hubby and friends when my guard is low and I need time. I can’t do it all. I need time. Alone. It’s one of the things I plan to do in 2024. Take an afternoon off work for example. For me. No mum responsibilities (not that you can ever switch that off) and no house duties (Mr Sandhu get that hoover out). Just switch off. Stop and sit and breathe. Just breathe for a bit and maybe talk to Raj. Tell him him how I’m feeling. How life is right now. Simple but effective therapy.
I am also well into my role as trustee now at The Brain Tumour Charity. It’s been great to give back in this way. There are so many gaps in healthcare but at the same time, so much hope. We are investing hugely in research. There is hope. I truly believe that day is coming 🙏🏿.
I think I want to continue to blog. What do you guys think, book or blog? Message me or comment and let me know your thoughts? It’s easy, fast I can get things off my chest quickly on a blog. A book is something alot of people are asking for too though. Who knows? I do think I want to take Mummy and Raj in new directions though. Something that will hopefully help bereaved parents. It’s an idea I will look to develop over the coming months.
I already know what I want to write next. The chapter of the book I have avoided. Now I want to write. Ready to get this off my chest. Speak real soon…….
When life essentially stops, when the funeral is over, the years start passing by, the phonecalls and texts stop….you find yourself feeling a little lost. That’s a lie. Some days you are alot lost. You question how you honour your child. How do you make their life count for something? How do you use your experience for something good? There have been days I have sat and thought how do I continue to make Raj relavent? I held a ball in his memory, what more can I do? The one thing that has remained constant through this journey? I have supported The Brain Tumour Charity.
In 2012 I had started volunteering with The Brain Tumour Charity (then known as The Samantha Dickson Trust). I set up a supporter group which raised money under the banner of The Raj Rana Fund. To date we have raised £63,386.78 with the help of my amazing family and friends and various events. Over the years Raj was also involved with the charity alongside myself and he would often appear in their media campaigns. One of my very favourite pictures of Raj was taken at the charity HQ for their Bandana Bake campaign.
I have always been passionate about wanting to support in ‘finding a cure’. Brain tumour care has remained stuck in the 1970s with little improvement to tackle this disease. Recently I was presented with the opportunity to apply for a voluntary role at the charity and I am so pleased to share I was recently appointed as a trustee. I feel so priviliged to be able to help guide and support the charity in this way.
What drives me? What inspires me about this role?
·I am still so passionate about finding a cure and the charity are the world’s biggest funder of research in the world. The charity is focused on Accelerating a Cure.
·Raj had such amazing care from his NHS team at John Radcliffe Hospital but I’m aware this isn’t always the case. I will be sitting on the Support and Information committee and I’m keen to see how we standardise a high level of care and what day to day support services to bereavement support should look like.
·Coming from an ethnic minority I am keen to see how the charity can develop to support and represent all cultures.
I am in awe of what the charity has already achieved and I really hope I can help make the journey of anyone who faces a diagnosis a little easier with my input. From a personal perspective, there is a connection to Raj with this work. I want to make what we went through count. Part of healing is accepting what happened. This work is also part of my healing process and it still is very much something I have to work on. I will make my boy proud. This is the next part of my journey and it might be uphill, but you can bet your bottom dollar one day we will get there 🙂
Congratulations mummy….wake up mummy. Congratulations mummy…wake up. I could hear this voice over and over as I struggled to open my eyes. Oh and I was shaking…felt like it was uncontrollable. Absolutely shivering away. I must have dosed off again as I woke up to being “heated” with what I can only describe as an air filled bubble blanket that was blowing warm air onto me. I felt so woozy and I am worried. Is the baby ok? “Baby is fine mummy…he is with daddy”. Phew. Three hours earlier the last thing I remember is being rushed into theatre and within minutes there were about 10 people in the room. I was told I was about to have a crash one c-section and I would need to be put under on general anaestheticas it was going to be really quick. I saw hubby get ushered out of the room and I remember hearing the words ready to cut and the anaesthesist just telling me to breathe, breathe, breathe as I sucked in the gas. They had baby out within minutes apparently. I was so grateful. Waking up I was pretty dazed but so happy to see my husband and beautiful baby boy. My little blessing arrived on the 23rd November 2020 (exactly one month before Rajvir’s birthday). Rajvir had became a big brother to Jasraj Singh Sandhu 😁
As the general started wearing off, I couldn’t help but think about the numerous times I had taken Raj into surgery or for a MRI as he was put under. He would roll in, not a care in the world. He was ready to have the milky drink that would put him to sleep. I can’t tell you exactly but Raj must have had by my crudest of calculations over 70 doses of a general to be put to sleep. I mean there was surgeries, MRIs, radiation treatments, lumbar punctures, central lines, ports, picc lines…and so many other procedures. I felt so absolutely out of it. Made me appreciate even more what an absolute soldier Raj had been. I am so proud of the boy. I remember he used to love to sleep after having a GA and gosh if you tried waking him up he would be so mad. I used to use the ends of my hair to tickle his face 🙊. He used to wake up as I did this and wouldnt be so mad as he didnt think I had woken him up. I so get it now Raj, I wanted to be left to sleep too!
Being pregnant was alot of comparing things to the first time and this has continued. I try hard to not mould Jasraj into all things Raj was as I want him to have his own identity. At times this can be tough. There are some definite similarities there though. His happy nature is everything like Raj 😊. One of the things that was quite difficult to admit was that I was so scared. Still am. I did find myself panic for a moment. Why did I take on this HUGE responsibility again?! It felt uneasy for a moment. Then the love just takes over. Jasraj is amazing 😊❤. His smile brightens up my day. One of the things that does happen is pangs of guilt. I find myself stopping in my tracks and thinking I hope Raj doesn’t think I am replacing him because truly nothing ever could. Recently I was dancing around with Jasraj in the kitchen and I immediately had a flashback. I used to do this with Raj. Guilt….and I almost then need to say it out loud. “Jasraj, this is how I used to dance with your brother”. I still touch base with my bereavement counsellor and she says this is all normal. I still talk to Raj. I tell him I love him constantly and I tell him things I feel he needs to hear. Like, letting him know his baby brother will be sharing what was his bedroom. I know Raj would approve. The sadness comes from knowing what an amazing big brother he would have been in person. He would be so so proud. I can imagine him telling the world “this is my baby brother”. I know he would also sit and tell Jasraj all the things he was doing wrong 😆. I hear Raj’s voice “mum he is so cheeky”. He would have been so helpful too. That’s what I miss daily. Us being able to be a proper family. I know that void will always exist and Raj may not be here physically but mentally and emotionally he will go through life with us. Jasraj will know how amazing his big brother is. I can’t wait to fill him in on the funny times we had. I also can’t wait to shower my little monkey with love…it’s a new adventure and with my amazing husband by my side I am excited to be the best mum I can to both my boys. 💚💙
Here I am again 🤦♀️. Blogging when I said I would start my book 🙄. Life is just a little bit crazy at the moment for us all and I felt I needed to release some of the words and feelings I am holding in.
I dont think anyone could have predicted what Spring 2020 would look like! The world is on some level of lockdown and the craziness of it all feels somewhat suffocating. For myself, a bereaved mother it heightens all the emotions Im feeling. Im not in a panic at all. This life of disinfecting, clinical cleanliness and avoidance of germs is one I know too well. One im really actually comfortable with. What it does do is remind me constantly of Raj. I find myself thinking oh well, If Raj was here this is how I would avoid this disease. An oncology mum faces this challenge daily. We have always been on alert. Watching out and noticing other peoples symptoms. Shutting the world away when there was even a tummy bug going around. My Dettol spray was never far away. My family were used to entering my home and being asked to disinfect their hands with antibacterial gel. I miss everything about life with Raj. Even the fear Raj’s weakened immune system bought me. 😔
Last month we saw #BeKind trending. This month we have seen how selfish people can be. We are all in this together and I really hope people help each other where ever they can over the next few weeks. The scenes of hoarding and lack of compassion for others have been hard to watch. I am worried,but not for me. For my parents and older family members. My mum recently had heart surgery and is seen as high risk. Like most mums, my mum is so so precious to me. I want to just hide her from all the dangers of this world. Just like I did Raj.
Life may get tough over the next few weeks. All I can say is all that matters is the fact we will all be with our families. I know kids can drive you crazy at times. I remember clearly the things Raj would do that would make me want to scream. He wasn’t lovingly known as ‘lil shit’ for no reason 😁. Honestly…truly you dont know how lucky you are. The situation is not ideal and the reason for this time together is not great but it is such a gift to be able to step away from the crazy speed of life and to just slow down and just spend time together. Even with all the worry….enjoy it. Every oncology family does and even though we have faced the worst of circumstances our often secluded times together have allowed us to make some of the best memories we have 😊.
Finally if you see someone working hard during these turbulent times, if nothing else give them a friendly smile. I am grateful for all the staff in shops and the NHS especially who are working so hard for us all. Be safe everyone. ❤
p.s It’s one month until Raj’s second anniversary. I have survived 699 days without my son. How, I dont know 😔🤷♀️. All I know is one day I will find my way back to him. 20th April. The date I wish away.
Raj was diagnosed in 2012. Since his diagnosis I had continued to work. In between I took time off if it was needed. The longest being 3 months when we went to Oklahoma for radiotherapy and the last 6 months of this horrible nightmare. Whether it was working from home or flexible working hours we made it work.
The last year of Raj’s journey I had decided I needed some relief from the job role I was in. I decided to move backwards in the business. It meant I could still continue to work, and pay my bills but mentally was freed up a little. I chose to go back to work after 3 months of Raj’s passing. I needed to be kept busy and my employer was amazingly supportive. This year I realised I probably needed a bit of a kick in the backside and a new challenge! It came in the form of a new job role. It meant I had 3 days to prep for an interview for a job that was going to be more stretching than any I had done before. I bit the bullet and applied! Absouletly chuffed, as I got the job 😊. I am now looking after retail accounts. One of the accounts is Scottish and I had never heard of them….or so I thought. A few weeks into role and I was racking my brain. Where have I seen this retailers name? Then it clicked. I searched through my email and there it was. A picture of Raj on a brochure produced by The Brain Tumour Charity for this very retailer looking all sparkly with their logos. The charity were looking to work with this retailer and this brochure was all about how fundraising can help when it comes to research. It was just another sign for me from my lil man. Something I feel to say ‘keep going mum. You are going in the right direction’. 😊😊😊💚
Somedays thoughts of Raj dont bring me tears. They bring me huge smiles. He still very much exists for me and my family. Absolutely everyday. I was at my mums yesterday and looked around the room and it made me giggle. He is still there. In everything. There are several stickers around the room. Randomly placed. No one dares remove them! Last year, I helped my brother paint mum and dads living room while they were away on holiday. We had noticed Raj had drawn a house around one of the light switches and written Raj is home. We all loved that this still existed. We all decided that we would frame this little masterpiece and make it look like some piece of artwork. When we started painting however, my brother said it looked silly and we really needed to paint over it. We told mum, and she told us quite strictly, “No. Leave it!”.When she returned from India we noticed she had actually gone over the drawing and made it slightly darker so it never faded away. It looks completely odd and kinda dirty but no one cares and it is Raj’s 😊.
Raj spent so much time in that living room. We have so many happy memories. I remember one time, I came home from work and as usual went over to mums to pick Raj up. What was to greet me was hillarious 😂. Mum and dads living room is a nice size. Around 23ft by 14ft. Raj had got hold of his grandma’s sewing thread and made her tie one end to the door handle and then he created his spiderweb! It went from door handle to dining table chairs to patio door handle to the curtain hooks. The whole thing intwined back and forth. I remember opening the door and him screaming ‘mum stop!’. “My webs going to break!” I remember looking through the door like what the heck 😂😱🤦♀️. He had the best relationship with both his grandmas and that makes me smile.
I miss him. I miss his laugh and I miss his hugs. April will be 2 years. I dont even know how that has happened. Its not right. I’m just glad I made the most of our time. I know he will continue to guide me. I feel like, I took care of him when he needed and now I feel he truly looks out for me when I need it most 💚.
As 2019 draws to a close, I have been thinking about how I feel about the new year. Last year I was absolutely broken at this time. The thought I maybe heading into a new year that Raj wasn’t to be a part of of was soul destroying. Now? Its become more of wow, how long has it been since Raj passed or before and after Raj.
Im lost and torn between my life with Raj and the life I live now. I want the old me back, the old times Raj was part of to be reality again. I dont have alot to write this blog other than to just say thank you to all those who follow and read my words. Thankyou to my friends and close family who choose to still talk to me about Raj. Thankyou to those who dont act like it didnt happen. Thankyou to those who acknowledge that Raj is still the hugest part of my life and always will be. We have a bond that can never be broken or forgotten. Thankyou for acknowleding that.
Mostly, thankyou to my husband. I don’t know how he does it if im honest. I am such a broken soul and he manages to not only love me but holds all my broken pieces together. He never asks me to move on, but remembers and talks about Raj just like me. He makes Raj a part of our conversations, jokes and giggles. He truly is my best friend.
I hope 2020 brings everyone love, and good health. Love is the key to life. Love a little harder in 2020 and hug your friends and family more. Time is the most special gift we have.
I keep getting asked. When is the next blog post? When will your book come out? I thought you was writing a book? Hmmmmmmm…….(big sigh)
I have been wanting to write this book about my experience and most importantly about the amazing and couragious boy Raj was. What’s holding me back? (Big sigh….again) To tell you all the truth. The real truth of what life was like and the real struggle I faced will mean delving into the details of my past life. A life I have physically left behind. Sharing the true details of how tough life was means, writing some things that will shock alot of you and will also shed light on some things people may not want shared or known to others. Am I ready for any backlash it may bring basically is the real question? Maybe……Time will tell.
Oh and Hello December 🙂
Hello to the the month in which my amazing baby boy was born. If my monkey was still with us, he would have turned 10 this month. 10! Wow. I keep thinking, how tall would he have been?! The first birthday without Raj was huge. The build up was absolutely huge and the worst. This year, of course Im broken but It would have been such a happy and big milestone for him. I find myself smiling and thinking how can I make it special for him. I asked my lovely family and friends to donate a gift in Raj’s memory this year. I think I received around 40-50 gifts!!!! Wow. They are all so bloody amazing. What makes it so special is these gifts will go to sick children in John Radcliffe hospital. I remember Raj’s face when he received gifts on the wards. That huge smile! Those who have donated, thankyou so much. You done something really special for these children. You will bring a smile to their faces on the hardest of days.🥰
Its a big big month. A big big one. I will be spending it with my family, my amazing husband and my dearest friends. I just decorated my tree and put up Raj’s bauble. I also found his Transformer tree decorations and added them. It wasnt a tough thing to do this year. Well not as much as last year. I cant describe the feeling. There are moments in life where some days life seems full. I feel content. I feel like it all fits. Those moments…I find myself thinking. Raj is around. For me to feel like that. He is around. Its a warmth I feel. I find myself smiling and just saying it out loud. “Raj, I love you.” At that moment something in my heart tells me he can hear it. Decorations were out and I had Youtube on shuffle on his Xbox as I put the tree up. The 2nd song to come on was All The Way Up (Oh just his fave tune 😊). I knew he would join me. 😊
I love the month of December. Raj loved December. I find myself being able to unwind and reflect. My thoughts? Life is so very very short, so please make the most of the ‘time’ we have off to enjoy our families. Take a tonne of pictures and videos too! Oh and share them. I love seeing pictures 😊
Still thinking about this book. I get told so often….you are so strong Suki. I once wasnt. I really really wasnt. I would like to give others hope and the courage to face their own challenges. We all have them in life
Right. I think I have made my mind up 💥.
Time to put pen to paper. Any suggestions for a title?!
Love to everyone who supports me. Truly grateful guys. Stay blessed ❤
The first year after Raj’s passing life was filled with so much. First birthday without him, first Diwali alone, all the firsts. The build up to these days was absolutely huge. The actual days seemed to pass by uneventful. I’m there again….the huge build up to his birthday next month. My lil man would be turning 10! Wow. 😊 I sit here and imagine how tall he would have been. He was always tall. Years ahead even in clothing sizes. He used to stand against me and we would say lets see how tall you are. We laughed, he would be tall as mum so soon. I am already thinking about how I will spend this day. I have already told Raj’s cousin Remi, we will celebrate with a cake and playing Raj’s favourite games like last year. I have already bought him his birthday pressie…just like I would have done if he was here. 23rd December, the day I learned what love truly was.
Year 2 is a huge struggle. Seems harder than the first year. Its the constant reminder, he genuinely died. It’s not a bad dream…it actually happened. Its been soooo long since I saw him, yet it feels like yesterday at the same time. My world stopped moving for me and I’m still there at times. Wanting to make him his toast and tea. Wanting to get his school bag ready. Wanting to cuddle up on the sofa with a blanket. Walking through the shops still remains a massive trigger. Seeing all the marvel clothes I would have bought for him. Last week I walked through the toy aisle in Asda with hubby and it bought back a memory of Raj. Raj used to say as we walked through this aisle….”mum just wait, just wait. Just wait a minute.” I knew he was obviously scouring the shelves to look for what toy he was going to ask to buy, but it always started with that…halting me and “mum just wait” 😊. That was a happy memory.
Year 2 feels horrendous. I find it harder to shake the bad days off. Often resulting in physical manifestations of grief creeping up. I felt completely floored last week. What started with a tonne of anxiety, feeling sick and feeling like I couldnt breathe resulted in me lacking energy, drive and even wanting to not talk to people. My body showed me it was fighting, but I ended up being run down and ill. I don’t want to stay in that sad place of solitude and this year I find myself searching for new ways of understanding and ways to cope.One of the things thats truly has interested me is moonology and how it can play a role in behaviour, moods and outlook. It’s something that has come to me via my manager and its been massively eye opening to look at correlations between life and moon phases!
Honestly, I find myself wondering how much can your heart truly take. Raj gets bought up less and less in conversations now…and that breaks my heart as he is all I can think about alot of the time. I have some amazingly special friends who allow me to talk about Raj often and that truly feels like the most special gift anyone can give me. Some days I sit and wonder how the hell am I meant to get through this life without him. I dont understand how I am meant to just go on but then it just happens. Another day goes by. Another day without him. Then I sit back and change my mindset. Its another day closer to being with him again. That is the only thing I can hold onto. I will see you again one day Raj. Mummy will….I promise you from the bottom of my heart. We just got to be patient baby boy. What a roller coaster of emotions!
Mummy and Raj 