He still guides me πŸ˜Š

Raj was diagnosed in 2012. Since his diagnosis I had continued to work. In between I took time off if it was needed. The longest being 3 months when we went to Oklahoma for radiotherapy and the last 6 months of this horrible nightmare. Whether it was working from home or flexible working hours we made it work.

The last year of Raj’s journey I had decided I needed some relief from the job role I was in. I decided to move backwards in the business. It meant I could still continue to work, and pay my bills but mentally was freed up a little. I chose to go back to work after 3 months of Raj’s passing. I needed to be kept busy and my employer was amazingly supportive. This year I realised I probably needed a bit of a kick in the backside and a new challenge! It came in the form of a new job role. It meant I had 3 days to prep for an interview for a job that was going to be more stretching than any I had done before. I bit the bullet and applied! Absouletly chuffed, as I got the job 😊. I am now looking after retail accounts. One of the accounts is Scottish and I had never heard of them….or so I thought. A few weeks into role and I was racking my brain. Where have I seen this retailers name? Then it clicked. I searched through my email and there it was. A picture of Raj on a brochure produced by The Brain Tumour Charity for this very retailer looking all sparkly with their logos. The charity were looking to work with this retailer and this brochure was all about how fundraising can help when it comes to research. It was just another sign for me from my lil man. Something I feel to say ‘keep going mum. You are going in the right direction’. πŸ˜ŠπŸ˜ŠπŸ˜ŠπŸ’š

Somedays thoughts of Raj dont bring me tears. They bring me huge smiles. He still very much exists for me and my family. Absolutely everyday. I was at my mums yesterday and looked around the room and it made me giggle. He is still there. In everything. There are several stickers around the room. Randomly placed. No one dares remove them! Last year, I helped my brother paint mum and dads living room while they were away on holiday. We had noticed Raj had drawn a house around one of the light switches and written Raj is home. We all loved that this still existed. We all decided that we would frame this little masterpiece and make it look like some piece of artwork. When we started painting however, my brother said it looked silly and we really needed to paint over it. We told mum, and she told us quite strictly, “No. Leave it!”.When she returned from India we noticed she had actually gone over the drawing and made it slightly darker so it never faded away. It looks completely odd and kinda dirty but no one cares and it is Raj’s 😊.

Raj spent so much time in that living room. We have so many happy memories. I remember one time, I came home from work and as usual went over to mums to pick Raj up. What was to greet me was hillarious πŸ˜‚. Mum and dads living room is a nice size. Around 23ft by 14ft. Raj had got hold of his grandma’s sewing thread and made her tie one end to the door handle and then he created his spiderweb! It went from door handle to dining table chairs to patio door handle to the curtain hooks. The whole thing intwined back and forth. I remember opening the door and him screaming ‘mum stop!’. “My webs going to break!” I remember looking through the door like what the heck πŸ˜‚πŸ˜±πŸ€¦β€β™€οΈ. He had the best relationship with both his grandmas and that makes me smile.

I miss him. I miss his laugh and I miss his hugs. April will be 2 years. I dont even know how that has happened. Its not right. I’m just glad I made the most of our time. I know he will continue to guide me. I feel like, I took care of him when he needed and now I feel he truly looks out for me when I need it most πŸ’š.

Author: mummyandraj

Im Suki, mummy to Raj who is forever 8. This is somewhere for me to share all the things that came with my son having a cancer diagnosis at 2 years old and life thereafter.