How Am I supposed to do this? ðŸ’”

The first year after Raj’s passing life was filled with so much. First birthday without him, first Diwali alone, all the firsts. The build up to these days was absolutely huge. The actual days seemed to pass by uneventful. I’m there again….the huge build up to his birthday next month. My lil man would be turning 10! Wow. 😊 I sit here and imagine how tall he would have been. He was always tall. Years ahead even in clothing sizes. He used to stand against me and we would say lets see how tall you are. We laughed, he would be tall as mum so soon. I am already thinking about how I will spend this day. I have already told Raj’s cousin Remi, we will celebrate with a cake and playing Raj’s favourite games like last year. I have already bought him his birthday pressie…just like I would have done if he was here. 23rd December, the day I learned what love truly was.

Year 2 is a huge struggle. Seems harder than the first year. Its the constant reminder, he genuinely died. It’s not a bad dream…it actually happened. Its been soooo long since I saw him, yet it feels like yesterday at the same time. My world stopped moving for me and I’m still there at times. Wanting to make him his toast and tea. Wanting to get his school bag ready. Wanting to cuddle up on the sofa with a blanket. Walking through the shops still remains a massive trigger. Seeing all the marvel clothes I would have bought for him. Last week I walked through the toy aisle in Asda with hubby and it bought back a memory of Raj. Raj used to say as we walked through this aisle….”mum just wait, just wait. Just wait a minute.” I knew he was obviously scouring the shelves to look for what toy he was going to ask to buy, but it always started with that…halting me and “mum just wait” 😊. That was a happy memory.

Year 2 feels horrendous. I find it harder to shake the bad days off. Often resulting in physical manifestations of grief creeping up. I felt completely floored last week. What started with a tonne of anxiety, feeling sick and feeling like I couldnt breathe resulted in me lacking energy, drive and even wanting to not talk to people. My body showed me it was fighting, but I ended up being run down and ill. I don’t want to stay in that sad place of solitude and this year I find myself searching for new ways of understanding and ways to cope.One of the things thats truly has interested me is moonology and how it can play a role in behaviour, moods and outlook. It’s something that has come to me via my manager and its been massively eye opening to look at correlations between life and moon phases!

Honestly, I find myself wondering how much can your heart truly take. Raj gets bought up less and less in conversations now…and that breaks my heart as he is all I can think about alot of the time. I have some amazingly special friends who allow me to talk about Raj often and that truly feels like the most special gift anyone can give me. Some days I sit and wonder how the hell am I meant to get through this life without him. I dont understand how I am meant to just go on but then it just happens. Another day goes by. Another day without him. Then I sit back and change my mindset. Its another day closer to being with him again. That is the only thing I can hold onto. I will see you again one day Raj. Mummy will….I promise you from the bottom of my heart. We just got to be patient baby boy. What a roller coaster of emotions!

Year 2, bloody fucking hard I tell you.

Suki. x

Author: mummyandraj

Im Suki, mummy to Raj who is forever 8. This is somewhere for me to share all the things that came with my son having a cancer diagnosis at 2 years old and life thereafter.

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