“I’m happy to see you moving on with your life Suki”.

Last month was full of emotions. Last month I got married to my best friend. The man who was there for me when Raj was at his most vulnerable. Who took care of us both. Who helped me make some beautiful memories with Raj.

A couple of months ago I shared that someone I had met at a business meeting also had lost a child. I wasnt ready to share this at the time but the lady who I met was the registrar when I went to give my notice for marriage. No matter how much I love Raj and he knows his mummy misses him, there is always that guilty feeling. Like is it ok to try and be on some level happy? I wasnt planning a big wedding and I wasnt even planning some of the traditional things we do in Sikh weddings. I just wanted to marry the person who made me feel like life was worth living even after all this pain. Basically, when we went to give notice of our marriage the registrar commented that the then fiance seemed really nice (he was out of the room at the time). I told her he was amazing and had helped me through the hardest time of my life. I told her about Raj’s passing and she asked to know more about Raj. She then said, “let me tell you something about myself. I also lost a child. She was 5 and had cancer too. That was 30 years ago”.She went on to explain that she felt our loved ones wanted us to be happy and they will be there one day when we also move on from this world. She aslo printed and left me with a beautiful poem about God and angels. I was a bit overwhemled and it wasnt until I got home that day I thought how crazy to meet someone who knew my exact pain who had resassured me it’s ok to be happy. I felt like it was a sign from Raj to say “be happy mum. I will be here when you get here”. I reached out to the registry office and requested the email of this lovely lady. We have since exchanged numbers and talked. She was also kind enough to attend my charity event I held for Raj. That is something I do love about life. Those soul connections we can make with complete strangers ❀

People have been so kind to me and allow me so much time to talk anout Raj. I know people mean well and I had a few say they were happy I was ‘moving on’ with my life. The truth is I can never move on though and I dont particularly want to. Why would I want to leave ‘behind’ my favourite boy in the whole wide world? For a bereaved parent we lose our child, every day. Several times a day sometimes. It is so easy to be transported back to the time our children were physically here. A few days ago, I suddenly had flashbacks to the moment Raj died. I was sent back to that very moment and then I was overcome with grief. Grief presents itself in so many ways. Somedays grief means I lose my appetite. Other days, its fatigue. Some days it’s a little more scary and I feel like I cant breathe. So there is no moving on. This is a forever thing.

What I can do is carry Raj with me through the new chapters of my life. I started this by making sure he accompanied me at my wedding. I had a beautiful picture of Raj attached to my bouquet. My wedding was a small affair and my nearest and dearest helped me celebrate a really special moment in my life.

I am definetly having a bit of a ‘Raj’ day today. I have spent some time looking at all my pictures of Raj. Damn, he was such a cute baby 😍☺️😁.

I really appreciate all the love and well wishes following my wedding. I am just trying to survive and enjoy life with those I love until it’s time to see my lil man again β˜ΊοΈβ€πŸ’š

Oooooh before I go. I wanted to share how Vikram proposed to me! I wont share all the details, but he took me to Raj’s resting place by the River Thames and said shall we ask Raj if I am allowed to marry his mummy? He knows exactly how to make my heart melt πŸ’šπŸ’šπŸ’šπŸ’šπŸ’šβ˜ΊοΈβ˜ΊοΈβ˜ΊοΈβ˜ΊοΈβ˜ΊοΈβ˜ΊοΈ.

Love to all. xx

Author: mummyandraj

Im Suki, mummy to Raj who is forever 8. This is somewhere for me to share all the things that came with my son having a cancer diagnosis at 2 years old and life thereafter.

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