My mummy My World

Today I cried with my mum. Inside my soul, I feel my mum is connected to me, and therefore also connected to Raj.She came over and we sat down. I feel so drained and she did what she always does when I am feeling unwell. She massaged some oil into my head. We spoke about Raj and she said I never stop thinking about him either. Today I woke up and thought I saw a little boy standing at the door. I think we both believe he is close and he will come back to me eventually or I to him. She said I know you are always thinking. She is right. I work on the road in a sales job and I cry every other day while driving. Long journeys give you nothing but time to think about the people you love or your problems. Mentally Im exhausted, and trying real hard to stay afloat. I have been going and going since last year and even my counsellor is keeping a close eye on me. As things slow down, will I fall? Truth is I am strong and I will do my best to continue to make Raj proud of me but it is a massive struggle everyday.

Today I feel robbed. I have spent some time thinking about the years with Raj. A week or so ago I spent my birthday again without Raj. It made me so so sad because although Raj was here 2 years ago on my birthday, the last time I spent my birthday with him was in 2016. In 2017 Raj was at his dads house and meant to come home at 12pm but he got taken out by his dad. I kept ringing and my calls were ignored. I was told by his grandma at the time why was I so annoyed, Raj would come home eventually. Eventually came at 9pm. Raj used to go to sleep at 8pm so soon as he got home I had to put him to bed. My last birthday with my son was stolen from me 😞. I found myself thinking do I share this? I have always hid the abuse….should I start sharing now? The truth is I get so many messeages from people I do not know who say, thankyou for sharing your story. You have helped me and I feel so close to you even though I do not know you. If I can help even one person with my truth, It’s worth sharing.

Truth? I want my old life back with Raj. I want Raj back. Waking up to hearing “morning mum”. I would do anything in the world for that. I talk to Raj constantly, I just want to hear his voice talk back Baby boy, I love you so so much, with every ounce of my being.

Change is often hard to deal with. Change following a death where it feels like you must somehow let go of the person you love is gut wrenching. Raj’s medicine cabinet is still as it was 425 days ago. The last day he took a breath. I can’t come to move these things. I dont know if what I am doing is ‘right’ but I like seeing his name on his bottles. Looking at the long syringe we used to give him his keppra (anti- seizure meds) with. I cant even come to spill the bottles yet. Today mum used the oil I used to use with Raj. The last time I used that bottle I was sat in front of Raj. Massaging his legs with that oil. He used to love his pamper time with mum. I remember saying to him, “mum takes good care of you dont she monkey?” He was like “yeah!”

Not a single day goes by where I dont wake up without Raj on my mind. I welcome the pain some days, as It makes it all real. Watching the videos and photos, takes me back to happy and sad days but it makes me feel alive and a reminder HE DID EXIST. I want people to share Raj’s pictures with me. Talk about him with me. I crave talking about my baby boy. Today my soul is tired and I’m sat here with my other half. These are the days he props me up. Im grateful for the people who love and support me. Today I am tired but tomorrow is a new day and Raj’s mummy does not stay down for long. My boy taught me that’s not the way πŸ’š.

Author: mummyandraj

Im Suki, mummy to Raj who is forever 8. This is somewhere for me to share all the things that came with my son having a cancer diagnosis at 2 years old and life thereafter.

3 thoughts on “My mummy My World”

  1. Suki, darling you are do strong. You are an example to other. You made Raj strong and he looked up to you. I read your blogs and it feels so real, as if you are talking to me. I suppose that how all your readers feel. Keep writing Hun , it’s just like screaming with you feel angry and laughing out loud when you feel happy ,full of Rajs happy memories and because one day you will/ need to read all this back to yourself. Stay strong as you have been. Love you loads x


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